You know, everyone always says they want “love.” No one wants to die alone, to spend their days in solitude with their 50 cats as their only company. Everyone wants someone to spend their life with.
Yet, there is another thing that could be worse than spending your life alone. Think of losing something so essential to your life you didn’t even realize you could ACTUALLY face life without it.
I am talking about the critical, essential, insanely important relationship you have with your WiFi.
It may not seem like WiFi is that pivotal to your life, so allow me to paint a little picture for you.
Close your eyes and try to fathom a world without Netflix, Google or Facebook. Attempt to visualize every single day devoid of Twitter, Instagram or your favorite aggregated news sites.
You can’t, right?
Being single is one thing, but living a life without WiFi would be like retreating back to the Dark Ages. It would be comparable to the days of cavemen.
Your WiFi connection is truly the most important relationship you could ever have.
1. Because WiFi really does have the power to isolate you.
A bad boyfriend will try to cut your off from your girlfriends and keep you all to himself. He wants you to be dependent on him. Luckily, you wouldn’t give a guy that power.
Your connection to WiFi, on the other hand, really is your connection to your social circle.
It’s what keeps you in sync with them. It’s the single most important thing you have to ensure make sure you’re in the loop.
Unlike a bad guy, WiFi really does hold you in its grip. Luckily, there is nothing sinister about it and therefore no need to worry about its toxic effects.
2. Because your WiFi is your passport to the world.
The Internet is your gateway to everything the world has to offer. It’s what allows you to see the globe without ever leaving home.
It has the power to open up your mind to new experiences like nothing else could. It may be virtual, but it doesn’t make it any less powerful.
Should you want to truly explore the world in a tangible, real way, the Internet is your key to the perfect itinerary. Its endless pathways will lead you to the best flight deals and the most exotic locations.
It’s the one-stop shop for the globetrotter inside of you.
3. Because your WiFi connection is really all you need.
Who needs a relationship when they have Internet? Why would you need men when you can watch “Mad Men”? Why would you need love when you can buy shoes instead?
I think every girl can handle the idea of being single… but being Internet barren? Now that is a reason to panic.
I can deal with a lack of personal engagement photos but if you cut off my supply of butt selfies, I may have a total meltdown, you know?
4. Because WiFi teaches you something new every day.
The best loves are the ones who teach us something. It’s the relationships that challenge us most that are the most interesting.
The Internet has the power to truly offer you a new and exciting lesson every single day. There are endless platforms to explore.
Cyberspace is your oyster. Anything you want to know about is a simple Google search away.
The possibilities are limitless. What human person could ever offer such a stimulating wealth of knowledge? No love could ever be so wise or so deep.
5. Because your WiFi connection can teach you about love without ever breaking your heart.
Speaking of love, WiFi is the place to go if you want to learn about love without the fear of rejection or heartbreak.
It’s the perfect place to explore relationships while keeping your emotions at bay. You will love your WiFi connection, it will be close to your heart, but you won’t ever fear that it could hurt you.
It’s only there to help and it only have your best interest at heart.
It is one of those rare things you have complete control over and can utilize as much or as little as you wish to. There is no obligation, no pain and no loss.
There is only gain.
6. Because if you lose your WiFi connection, what else are you going to do?
After a bad breakup, all you want to do is have a threesome with Ben and Jerry and watch every single Netflix documentary you missed while you were distracted by “love.”
If you’re going to get your heart broken, at least you know your WiFi connection is going to be waiting for you, right where you left it. If the WiFi were to break up with you, what then?
No, seriously, what on earth would you do? That would be devastating. It’d be like the world had dumped you, leaving you for dead.
I’ll take a terrible uncoupling over losing my connection to Facebook and Amazon Prime any day