I, being the classy, mentally stable, young lady I am, like to separate my real self and my drunk self.
My real self is an honest and all-around wonderful human being who, sometimes, gets held hostage by the psychopathic manipulative liar that is my drunk self.
Here are a few of the lies the assh*le told me.
1. You are playing it SO cool.
2. Keep dancing on that table — great idea!
3. No one notices your bare nipple coming out of that tube top.
4. That’s definitely a toilet.
5. You’re way too sober; drink more. OMG, you’re such a tank.
6. Leave the tab open; you’re so rich.
7. Live life on the edge! Try that sketchy Norwegian drug your friend’s coworker’s boyfriend just offered you.
8. The band is totally calling you over.
9. He was The One. He was The One and you f*cked it all up. You need to fix this NOW.
10. Call him. No answer? Leave a voicemail then call again 17 times. He NEEDS TO KNOW HE WAS THE ONE AND YOU F*CKED UP.
11. Text him. No response? Send a meaningless string of words and emojis until you find something or someone else with whom to distract yourself.
12. That text doesn’t look drunk enough. Play it cool and add a few miscellaneous letters.
13. Snapchat him, and keep Snapchatting him until you make your way to his top friends. You look so hot he won’t even notice how creepy this is.
14. Just show up at his front doorstep at the end of the night. He’ll love it.
15. Wait, OMG… forget everything. This new guy across the bar is The One.
16. He’s so hot. You should go home with him.
17. You’re on the toilet in-between pukes, but, like, you still look so hot in that Snap.
18. Make that your story.
19. Dance on the bar!!
20. The bouncer loves you. He’ll totally let your underage friend in.
21. OMG, that bouncer is so rude. How dare he ask you to get off the bar??
22. Your breath is fine.
23. This conversation is so meaningful.
24. That girl just rolled her eyes at your friend. She is SUCH a bitch! Call her out!
25. OMG, play it cool, it’s that guy who stood up your bestie two years ago. No, don’t play it cool. Throw a drink on him. She’ll be so happy.
26. When you get home you should confront your roommate about those passive-aggressive comments she’s been making lately.
27. Stop holding back; be 100 percent honest.
28. Let the tears flow.
29. You don’t look insane.
30. You’re so good at karaoke.
31. Just puke real quick and you’ll be fine.
32. No one can tell you just puked.
33. You’re being so quiet, nobody can hear you.
34. This random guy wants to hear this extremely private, excruciatingly detailed story about your best friend’s sex life.
35. You’re so f*cking hilarious.
36. Your dance moves are on point.
37. Your makeup is flawless. Especially your eyeliner.
38. Everyone is looking at you in the best way possible.
39. Your eyes are so flirty sexy right now.
40. Just leave without saying bye to anyone; no one will notice.
41. I NEED PIZZA NOW.
42. No one can smell your puke breath.
43. You’re an absolute LEGEND!
44. This is so worth the hangover.
45. Don’t be afraid to tell him how hot he is to his face, right now, in front of everyone.
46. Ke$ha is the greatest artist who ever lived.
47. That’s definitely just an ingrown hair on his upper lip.
48. There is no puke in your hair or on your clothing and all over your entire body and the bathroom.
49. This Taco Bell will NOT give you explosive diarrhea tomorrow morning.
50. A few hits from the bong won’t black you out